Lie detector test

I applied for a job about twenty five years ago that required a polygraph test as a requirement for further consideration. Seems they had a lot of employee theft in the recent past. Not small items like pens and paper clips but pieces of equipment that would cost around $15,000 to replace.

The test took about 30 minutes and as the examiner was shutting down his equipment I asked if I’d passed. No, he said. Why? Because my answer on question #8 was deceptive.

Which one was question #8? “Did you ever steal anything other than what you’d told me about during the pretest interview?” Your answer was deceptive. How so? Did it show I was lying? No, but it shows deception.

But what about the last question you asked, “Have you told the complete truth today?” Yes, your answer tended to be truthful.

Okay, I said, question #8 shows I’m being deceptive but the last question shows that I told the complete truth today…and I fail the test.

He shrugged his shoulders and I told him to fuck off.


March 4, 2010 - Posted by | Uncategorized


  1. I once applied for a job as a night shift Registered Nurse, with the Sheriffs Dept, at the County jail. Pay was good and I was still young enough to get out with a full pension and benefits if I stuck with it. That was a sweet deal. After interviewing with the head nurse, the Deputy Sheriff in charge of the jail and passing a background investigation, they very enthusiastically offered me the job. It was clear to me that I had impressed the hell out of them.

    When I went in to sign all the final employment forms and get finger printed, there was one final form I had to fill out. It was a modified version of the MMPI, similar to what they give all entrants at Sub School. It said at the top that this is your pre polygraph questionnaire and that all prospective Sheriff employees were required to take a polygraph prior to being employed.

    Underneath that, in big block letters it said, “Remember, we’re not looking for perfect people, only honest people”.

    So I fill it out. No problems with it, I never wanted to have sex with my mother or light small animals on fire. Mixed in there were a couple of did you ever use drugs questions and said if you answered yes to turn the paper over and write down what kind, when and how much. Normally I would just lie about that but I figured they were going to give me a polygraph anyway so I answered with the truth.

    I smoked some weed in my time and dropped various hallucinogenics. That’s about it. I was 46 then and hadn’t done any drugs since my early middle 20’s, at least 20 years. I wrote that, confident the results of the polygraph would bear me out.

    By the time I got home there was already a message on my answering machine that I was no longer eligible to be hired by the Sheriff’s Dept.

    C’est La Vie.

    I talked to the head nurse, a fat dyke in a Hawaiian shirt and cowboy boots, with a big whiskey nose full of broken veins, later. She said they never gave anybody an actual polygraph test, otherwise nobody would ever get hired. She said she would have warned me about the pre polygraph questionnaire but I looked very straight and she thought I probably never did and drugs and she thought I might turn her in if she warned me.

    Sometimes you just can’t win. I try to keep a good thought.

    Comment by reddog | March 5, 2010 | Reply

  2. Yeah, sometimes honesty doesn’t pay. It took a long time for me to learn that women really don’t want to know if their butts are big.

    Comment by cutshoot | March 5, 2010 | Reply

  3. Once you learn to really like big butts, they don’t mind at all if you tell ’em.

    You can’t lie about it though. They can tell.

    Comment by reddog | March 5, 2010 | Reply

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